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PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGES OF DIVORCE AND RELATIONSHIP
DISSOLUTION
PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGES
OF DIVORCE:
The breakup of an intimate relationship
is one of the greatest stresses a person can endure. The separation
alone brings about a host of feelings. Also the change of lifestyle
and financial burdens create additional stresses. Where children
are involved, the trauma which is inherent in separation has the
effect of overloading the parent, making if difficult to attend
to the needs of the children. Where parents separate under parenting
plan terms which provide for a residential parent and a typical
"every other weekend and Wednesday night" schedule for
the non-resident parent, children experience great stress because
of the departure of one of their parents. For a time, the entire
single parent family is overloaded emotionally and unable to meet
its own and other people's needs. The absent parent is also experiencing
tremendous change. The sense of loss of the absent parent who no
longer tucks the children in at night, makes the school lunch, etc.
cannot be overlooked. Parenting plan arrangements encompassing more
equal shared time arrangements are accompanied by their own unique
stresses.
Many people have drawn a parallel between the stages of the acceptance
of death, which were identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and the
stages of the acceptance of the end of an intimate relationship.
In order to understand the emotional state of the separated person,
we will mention these stages here. Keep in mind that people do not
experience these stages in a neat, sequential order. Rather, they
may go in and out of each stage in random order, often returning
to a stage already experienced. Also, these stages may last longer
than expected. Since no two people are alike, no two people require
the same amount of time to recover from the trauma of marital separation.
For one person, the time span may be a year or less. For another,
it may be several years.
DENIAL
Even the person initiating the separation is likely to spend
time denying the end of the relationship, or thinking of new ways
to make the relationship work. The full impact of the end of the
relationship has not yet hit and separating people may continue
to use the pronoun "we" instead of "I". They
may feel exhilaration during this stage because they are suddenly
free from the strains of an unhappy relationship. A person may alternately
feel despair and try to get their partner to come back. The denial
stage may last a long time, as a partner may have a great deal of
difficulty letting go of this relationship which has meant so much.
There may be several attempts to reconcile before one or both of
the partners decide to permanently end the relationship.
ANGER
Anger is an inevitable and natural stage in the process of separation
or divorce. Even if the relationship has been unhappy for some time,
the partners are bound to feel angry because of unmet needs and
unrealized dreams. The angry feelings often erupt over issues of
money and children (Custody, access, parenting styles,) but are
usually grounded in issues between the two partners. The person
who claims to have no anger toward an ex-spouse or partner may be
internalizing the anger, thus becoming depressed and self critical.
People sometimes blame themselves for the end of the relationship
and thus not recognize their right to be angry. Each needs encouragement
to feel and express their anger.
GUILT
No matter whose primary responsibility the separation was, each
partner is likely to feel guilt because the relationship failed.
Parents may feel guilt about the children experiencing the pain
of a "broken" home and may blame themselves for not being
a good enough spouse, parent, or lover. Even though they may know
on an intellectual level that they, their ex-spouse or partner,
and the children will ultimately be happier after the separation,
the guilt they feel is on an emotional level and cannot be explained
away. As a result, parents may indulge their children more now by
buying them things they cannot afford or by giving into their demands
against their better judgement. A certain amount of this can be
expected soon after a separation, lessening as parents begin to
get the support they need.
GRIEF
When people finally experience the full impact of separation
from their former partners, they will feel a deep sense of grief
and loss. People need the opportunity and acceptance from others
in order to fully express the sorrow they feel. They must say "goodbye"
to the relationship and to their partner which is a painfully sad
process. This is the most important stage for a person to experience
in order to reach acceptance and to begin building a new life.
ACCEPTANCE
This is the final stage in which a person recognizes that the
separation and divorce are final and that these events were indeed
part of their lives. They are ready to move forward toward a new
identity and new goals. They may feel some sadness still, but generally
their lives have stabilized to the point at which they can tend
to the needs of their children and themselves.
In addition to the above stages, other feelings may be experienced
by the separated party. These might include fear or anxiety, particularly
in regard to financial security, being alone and facing the unknown;
embarrassment stemming from the assumed opinions of others; loneliness
as a result of being uncomfortable with their former network of
friends and confusion caused by the overload of so many emotions.
Although acceptance is noted as a final stage, it does not signify
an end point in the process of adjustment.
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